Captain Sappy
by nld200xy
Summary: Captain Hero has been rather reckless and has done lots of mean things to people, so all the members of the Drawn Together household band together to try and make him a good person. Can they pull it off?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do NOT own the right to Drawn Together or any references made in this fic.

One day, four people were lying around on the nearest furniture they could find. One was a middle-aged black woman with a foxtail and a hat with fox ears. The other was a furry animal with an exclamation mark for a tail. One was a fantasy video game hero with a blue sword and white hair while another was a fat black and white chick that resembled Betty Boop.

Suddenly, as these four people lay on the furniture looking bored as hell, a big hulking super hero with an S on his chest stormed into the room, broke the door off of its hinges and ran up to the video game hero.

He held the young fantasy hero by his neck and barked, "DID YOU STEAL MY NOSEHAIR TRIMMER?" The young man shook his head and answered, "No, Captain Hero, I would never steal YOUR nosehair trimmer! It smells like shit after you use it!" The super hero, better known as captain hero, slammed the fantasy hero on the wall and retorted, "DAMMIT, XANDIR! I KNOW YOU STOLE MY NAIL CLIPPERS!" This hero, better known as Xandir, gave a cock-eyed stare at Captain Hero and remarked, "I thought you were looking for your nosehair trimmer."

(This sign means that this scene is happening in the confession room) Captain Hero pondered this and stated, "The gay-tard clearly knows too much. I must end this conversation before he finds out about my hidden supply of atom bombs!" After a long pause, he added, "You can edit this, right?" The cameraman shook his head as Captain Hero muttered, "Stupid dick!"

The black woman, Foxy, noticed what was going on, marched up to Captain Hero and stated, "I'm sure he's tellin' the truth! Now put him down before I hurt you!" Captain Hero started to laugh, as he scoffed, "You couldn't even hurt a hippie with AIDS!"

Foxy placed her grip on his wrist and slammed him to the table in a second. Captain Hero stroked his back muttering, "That was a lucky shot, you whore!"

Captain Hero stated, "That Foxy has got one hell of a grip. I bet even Hercules himself couldn't beat her."

As CH exited the room, Xandir approached Foxy and asked, "Why do you think Captain Hero is so mean to me all the time?"

Foxy thought about this and remarked, "Now, Xandir had a point! He and Captain Hero were always getting along for quite some time. Suddenly, something just came up and those two hate each other now! Well, Foxy Love ain't gonna' stand for that! I'm gonna' march right up to Captain Asshole and ask him what's goin' on!"

While all this went on, the fat chick, Toot, looked at the small creature, Ling-Ling, and asked, "Where do we fit into all of this?" Ling-Ling shook his head and remarked (In Asian Gibberish), "I have no idea."

Ling-Ling stared angrily at the camera and stated, "I actually know exactly what's going on! Those stinky jerks think that White Pig and Ling-Ling don't matter. They think of us as useless props that are only good for standing around and being there! Well, Ling-Ling is fed up with it! Ling-Ling and White Pig will make their own animated reality show! It will be called… The Ling-Ling and White Pig Hour!"

Later that day, Captain Hero was walking down the hallway humming a sweet tune.

Captain Hero whistled happily as he stated, "After I heard that Foxy was throwing me a surprise party, I was happier than Pacman at a Power Pill convention! But wait! Why would Foxy tell me about a surprise party if it's supposed to be a surprise? Oh, she must have known that I hate surprises!"

"I actually love 'em!"

The strapping young super hero entered the living room to find that there were no balloons and no cake. All he saw was a pie with a torch sticking out of it. There actually WERE balloons, but instead of saying "Happy Surprise Party" they said "Happy Intervention". To make things worse, there was a sign that said, "This is really an intervention, NOT a surprise party."

Captain Hero was as oblivious as ever, so he sat down, smiled happily at all of his friends, who were now accompanied by a princess named Clara and a yellow what-cha-ma-call-it named Wooldoor Sockbat.

Foxy stood in front of CH and stated, "Captain Ahab Hero, we called you here for one purpose! You are too reckless and you need to be set straight!"

Captain Hero stared in shock as he stated, "She lied to me! This isn't a surprise party! This is an intervention! I don't need a_nother_ intervention, do I?"

Xandir rubbed his neck and barked, "This time, we're going to change you for the better! My throat can't take your grip any longer! I'm sick and tired of all the SHIT you put me through!"

Xandir continued to rub his neck as he stated, "It really DOES hurt. I'm seriously in more pain than Bugs Bunny was when Elmer Fudd finally caught him."

Princess Clara approached him and said, "It's not just him that suffers in this house. Remember last week when you stuck TV's Patrick Duffy through my ass? You still haven't apologized for it AND you recently stuck Barney the Dinosaur up my vagina just the other day!" CH glared at the princess and retorted, "As if anything can actually go up your vagina! You're Octopusoir devoured the large faggot in two seconds! You don't even HAVE a vagina!"

Clara hung her head low and complained, "It's because of that little fact that I can never find the perfect man for me!"

Foxy shook her head and remarked, "I'm saying that you are out of control. You've been recently tryin' ta' put 'da hurt on people for the last three weeks, two days, six hours, twelve minutes and seven… make that eight seconds!"

Captain Hero shook with anger as he stated, "I am NOT out of control! THEY are the ones who are out of control! They set up this surprise intervention, so does that not make them crazy?"

Foxy turned to the others and stated, "It seems as if he doesn't get it! NOW, Wooldoor!" Wooldoor pulled some chloroform out of his fanny and splashed it all over Captain Hero. As the super hero went into a deep sleep, Foxy glared angrily at Wooldoor and barked, "THAT ain't how you give a person chloroform! You have to force it down his mouth, you jackass!"

Meanwhile, Ling-Ling and Toot had managed to set up the studio for their reality show.

Ling-Ling smiled in triumph and said, "Ling-Ling is very happy with this outcome! Our new reality show 'The Ling-Ling and White Pig Hour' is sure to be a big hit!"

Toot turned the camera on and stated, "We're on, Ling-Ling!" As soon as the camera turned on, the two stopped acting civilized and started fighting over whom got the last bowl of icing.

Will the people ever make Captain Hero see the light? Will "The Ling-Ling and White Pig Hour" be a success? Find out after these commercials!


	2. Chapter 2

Captain Hero awoke in front of a screen. He immediately broke free from the ropes around him and exclaimed, "Oh boy, a movie!"

After about five minutes, he realized that the film was about people being nice. He soon grew bored and asked, "Hey, where's the remote? I wanna' watch my violent car-wreck shows!" Foxy stepped out from behind the projector and stated, "You seriously don't get it, do you, Captain Hero? I figured that since we couldn't convince you to be nice, a movie would, but I see that this was a waste of time!"

Captain Hero thought about what she had said and stated, "Foxy is trying way too hard to get me to become a goody-two-shoes! Maybe I like being reckless! Did that ever occur to her?"

Foxy turned to Wooldoor and barked, "You told me this would work, you retard!" Wooldoor shrugged and remarked, "I didn't think his will would be so strong!"

Captain Hero shook with anger and stormed out in a tantrum. He marched into his room and lay on his bed.

He moped around while he said, "I'm not a bad person. I try to change for the better. I just seriously fuck up is all."

As the super hero thought about what the others had said, and as he tried to comprehend what HE had said, he decided that it was time to change.

Meanwhile, Ling-Ling and Toot were busy getting ratings. Just now, they were discussing how to improve the show (While the camera was rolling). Toot suggested, "Why don't we change it to the 'Ling-Ling and Toot Hour'? We all know that 'White Pig' is just some nickname you gave me!"

"Might I add that I'm tired of my weight coming to question!" she added.

Ling-Ling shook his head and retorted, "White Pig couldn't be more wrong. This title is better!" Toot started to shake as Ling-Ling said, "What the heck? You're right. 'White Pig' is not your real name… just like how Foxy is not 'Chocolate Animal Woman'."

As soon as the two changed the name, their ratings dropped from 5000 viewers to 2 viewers. "This is all White Pig's fault!" barked Ling-Ling. Suddenly, a huge robot crashed through the roof and crushed the set.

Meanwhile, the other members of the house were just sitting around as Captain Hero entered the room with a whole bunch of flowers in his hands. He skipped across the room merrily while boasting, "Oh, what a marvelous day! Isn't it a marvelous day, my dear Xandir?" As he showered Xandir in flowers, the others stared. Xandir would have also stared if this didn't slightly turn him on.

Captain Hero skipped merrily out of the room and said in his usual female-like voice, "Now I'm off to donate money and help old people cross the street!" As he skipped off humming a merry tune, Foxy shook her head.

"Captain Hero just missed the point entirely! When I said he needed to be nicer, he thought I meant nice like those freaks on TV, but what I meant was that he needed to just improve a little. He didn't need to turn into Ned Flanders now, did he?"

"Hi-diddly-ho!" called out a passing neighbor. "Stupid Flanders!" muttered Wooldoor. "Hi-diddly-ho!" called back Clara to their neighbor, Flanders. "Stupid Clara!" muttered Foxy.

The robot picked up Toot and asked angrily, "Where have you been? You're supposed to be used as a doorstop in the Drawn Together household right now, you idiot!"

Toot shook with fear and stated, "It was time to do what Foxy always does at a time like this! I was going to unmask this robot and find out who he truly was and why he knew about the Drawn Together household!"

Toot pulled off the robot's head to reveal a man with a radio for a head. "AH! You're the producer!" she exclaimed. The producer shook Toot hard and barked, "RETURN TO YOUR POST, DOORSTOP!" Toot glared angrily at him and retorted, "NO! I'm not returning to that hellhole!"

As the producer carried her back to the house, Ling-Ling stepped in front of the robot and hurled a huge dark ball at its chest thus blowing it up.

Toot landed on the ground with a thud and stated, "Ling-Ling, you saved my life." Ling-Ling nodded and said, "That's what partners do. They stand up for each other. Thus is the way of the nakama."

"Right, Shindo?"

Suddenly, the robot got up, grabbed both of them and hauled them back to the household.

As Captain Hero was helping an old woman cross the street, Xandir, dressed as a woman, showed up, deliberately dropped the purse he was carrying and called out, "Oh no! I dropped my purse! Will somebody please help me, like that muscular super hero over there?"

Captain Hero noticed this "lady" in trouble and went over to help "her" pick up "her" purse. "Here you go, ma'am!" he offered. Xandir took the purse from his arms and stated, "You are very kind, good sir. Come back to my place and maybe we'll get busy!" Captain Hero spread a huge smile across his face as he walked the "woman" to her house. While all this was going on, the old woman noticed that Captain Hero had abandoned her in the middle of the street as a car ran her over.

Meanwhile, Foxy and Clara received a message from Xandir saying that the plan had worked. "Oh yeah! I knew that Captain Idiot would fall for that!" exclaimed Foxy. Clara nodded and stated, "It was also a great idea to make Xandir the one to break to him the bad news and probably set him off in a murderous rage!"

Foxy thought about this and said, "What Clara just said got me thinkin'. What if Captain Hero actually kills Xandir? Oh well, it won't matter. He'll still have 99 lives left."

Xandir had brought Captain Hero into the hotel room he had booked for the two of them.

Xandir sat on the bed and stated, "I just hope that he doesn't hold it against me when he finds out the truth."

Captain Hero prepared himself for the night ahead of him and stated, "I am SO super-psyched! It seems that being nice actually pays off! And to make things better, this chick is so hot, I'd be really pissed if I found out that it was Xandir in disguise!"

After the two let it all out, they went into bed. After that, Xandir and CH looked at each other romantically as Xandir turned on "Love Gravy" from the Chef Aid CD.

At morning time, Captain Hero woke up to realize that he had just had sex with the most beautiful woman ever. He looked over at his girl only to realize that she had no boobs and that she had a slightly muscular-looking body. "Xandir." He exclaimed as he picked Xandir up by his neck and held him up against the wall.

Xandir awoke and asked, "Captain Hero, what are you doing?" Captain Hero glared angrily at him and retorted, "Don't 'What are you doing?' me! I'm gonna' kill ya'! If being nice means that I have to have sex with gay men, then I don't want to be nice! I'm going back to my old life!"

Xandir glared at him angrily and remarked, "Are you stupid! This was all a scam to get you to act normally! See, you have no idea what we meant when we said you should be nicer! We meant that you should stop beating up people for no reason! I did this because you turned into a FREAK!"

Captain Hero's eyes widened as he stated, "You're right. I was a selfish jerk. When I wasn't selfish, I was a freak. Oh, Xandir, let's just let life go back to the way it was before all of this started." Xandir nodded and said, "I agree. Anyway, let's get back. That crossword puzzle isn't going to solve itself."

Captain Hero nodded as the two went back to the Drawn Together Household.

Meanwhile, Spanky Ham was still on vacation in Florida with his cousin Walter, but we'll tell you that story another time.


End file.
